Sight Unseen part 2

“But Now I See”

With Kari's first question, and internal battle had begun. About half of me sided with Kari: I knew I could discern things and I wanted to stop pitying myself and start living. The rest of me wasn't ready to change: I didn't want to wake up and realize that blindness wasn't a severe handicap to all I wanted to be. Each day was a little different, sometimes I woke up feeling bold and ready “see” everything I could, other days I sulked and pretended that life without sight was nothing.

Kari and I managed to keep in touch through email. I could type, and Mom printed off Kari's emails and read them to me. I began to see Kari in a new light through the emails. She'd obviously been telling the truth when she said she didn't do fake. Kari was just as real with me as she'd asked me to be with her. I began to look forward to every email I received. Kari was the kind of friend I couldn't find in high school.

One day as Mom was reading another of Kari's emails, her voice trailed off and from her murmuring breath, I could tell that she was reading ahead.

“What?” I demanded.

“Uh,” She checked herself and found her place again. “Kari says...she went to the doctor today. Nothing very important apparently, just a sort of check up or something. She says she's fine, and not to worry about her. And she's planning to call you sometime this week. That's about it.” Mom handed me the email which I tucked into a folder saved for that purpose. Something didn't sound right. Vagueness wasn't Kari's way of doing things. It wouldn't be any good asking Mom to read the email again, she'd only say the same thing. I groaned and fell back on my bed, feeling again the misery my blindness brought—it didn't seem fair that anybody could take advantage of me as my mother had just done. I rolled over and pounded my fist in my pillow. Finally I sighed. At least Kari had promised to come to our home for the latter half of Christmas break. Ian was already home; Kari was supposed to arrive at the end of the week.

I kept trying to rid myself of the uneasy feeling that something wasn't right with Kari. The rest of my family anticipated Kari's coming in their particular ways. Dad didn't say anything about Kari, but he began to grow more humorous. Mom chatted about her almost unceasingly, and continually asked all of us if were excited to see her. She also kept busy decorating everything specially for Kari. Whenever I'd ask for help with something, she'd say “Sorry Jae, I'm a little rushed,” but I heard “Sorry Jae, I'm getting ready for Kari.” Ian was as excited as anybody else, but his charade was indifference. I made no effort to hide my excitement; I had no need to. My uneasiness masked any other emotions I felt. Finally on Thursday Ian's aftershave ushered him into my room.

“Telephone.” He was excited, “Kari. “Guess she couldn't wait another 48 hours to talk to you.” I felt my way the coziest corner of my bed and a knot gathered in my stomach.

“Kari?”

“Hey Jae. What's up?”

“Nothing doing. What's wrong?”

“What?” Kari either hadn't expected the question or didn't want to answer.

“Come on Kari. I need to know.”

“Didn't you get my email?” Kari sounded nervous.

“Mom didn't read it to me. She skimmed ahead, and just gave me the gist of things. I have no idea what you wrote, except that you went to the doctor.”

“Oh.” Kari paused. “I...Jae? Can you please keep this a secret? I don't even want Ian to know.”

“You know me Kari.”

“Ok. I guess the Doc says that I'm not quite as well off as I thought I was. I have to stay in the city for some sort of treatments so I'm not able to come down for Christmas.” Kari kept talking, but I didn't hear what she said. Not coming down? Something was definitely wrong.

“Kari, what is it?” It was more of a demand than a question. Kari was silent for a minute.

“I can't tell you right now.” It was my turn to be silent.

“Why?” I heard Kari sniff. So she was crying?!

“Jae? Can you please let me work through this myself first? I promise I'll tell you first, I just need some time.”

“First? Nobody else knows?”

“I haven't told anybody anything yet. I can't.” Kari sighed brokenly.

“I'm sorry to ask, Jae, but could you tell your family I won't be coming? I can't face up to that right now.”

“OK Kari. Call me soon?”

“As soon as I can. Promise.” We hung up. I dropped my head against the wall; I couldn't stop wondering and worrying about Kari. What on earth had happened? I stayed in my room until it was time for dinner.

That Christmas almost lost it's holiday cheer. Mom and Dad tried to throw off their disappointment, Ian bravely attempted to maintain his near-stoicism. I didn't bother to hide my confusion, but I determined to enjoy our Christmas to its fullest—for Kari's sake.

Two days before New Year's I was brushing Rusty on the living room floor when the phone rang. Ian picked up in the kitchen. I listened intently to his end of the conversation.

“Hello? Kari? What happened? I know, Jae told us. But why...please Kari? OK. She's right here.” I heard Ian's footsteps and he gently took my hand and placed the phone in my palm.

“Kari,” he whispered to me.

“Hey,” I said softly into the phone, “Just a minute.” I followed Rusty to my bedroom.

“OK, safe. What-up?”

“I'm s to scared you this Jae. You'll be disappointed in me.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“I'm...blind.” Kari's voice cracked.

“Oh, Kari...What happened?” I swallowed back tears.

“It started so slowly Jae! I thought for sure I just needed glasses or something. It actually happened before Thanksgiving, I just wasn't worried about it, I figured it would go away or something. Then overnight it got way worse, so I rescheduled my eye appointment for the next day.” Kari choked up and I heard her blow her nose. “That was the first week of December. Ever since then, I've been able to see less and less. The doctor said there was nothing that anyone could do. Now I can't see anything.” Kari broke down completely. I sat amazed.

“Kari?”

“Mmm?”

“Has somebody helped you? Do you have a way to get around?”

“Yes. They gave me a cane.” Kari's voice was bitter. Finally she sighed. “And they signed me up to get a guide dog. It's so hard, Jae!”

“You're telling me?”

“I know. I'm ashamed to say it.” Kari sniffed. For an instant I was jealous. After all, Kari had had her sight for nineteen years, what did she have to complain about? But compassion overwhelmed jealousy.

“Kari, do you want to come down here for New Years Eve?”

“Jae, I'm blind! I can't drive!” Kari nearly cried again.

“Kari, stop this,” I said gently. “You know as well as I do that Ian would be more than willing to pick you up.” Kari sniffed again.

“Could you come with him, Jae?” she asked weakly.

* * *

Ian quietly collapsed two white canes and handed one to me in the back seat and one to Kari in front.

“I have to pick something up before we leave the city,” he said as he started the car. “Would you two mind waiting in the car for me? It won't take more than a few minutes.” Kari agreed. We fell silent until Ian re-entered the car. Curiosity concerning his errand consumed me. That he had purchased something was clear; he'd opened his wallet taken out a specific amount of cash before getting out of the car. Whatever it was had to be small, because he didn't open the trunk. In fact, it must have been quite small, because he hadn't set anything down in the car which left only one option; his coat pocket. Kari interrupted my line of thought.

“Jae, the organization that's matching me with a dog called today. Can you guess what they said my puppy's name was?” Kari's attempt at breezy cheerfulness nearly worked, but she still didn't sound like her old self.

“Ah...Rusty?” I knew there was a reason Kari was asking.

“Nope.”

“Ian?” Ian asked hopefully, with an obvious smile.

“No!” Kari sounded almost playful

“Kari?” I guessed?

“Strike-out.”

“Jae?” Ian sounded incredulous.

“Yeah. Isn't that cool?” Kari's spirits were rising, if slowly. I smiled to myself.

“No, not at all,” I teased. Ian chuckled and Kari began to laugh.

“This is something I've never done before,” Kari said suddenly, “Laughing the complete dark. It's almost...fun.” Ian fell silent, as if something bothered him, but I leaned forward and felt for Kari's shoulder. She found my fingers and gave them a squeeze.

At home again, this time with Kari, we gathered for a sort of second-Christmas. All of us had a small something for Kari, and she'd picked out something for each of us. I waited until last to open my gift. I wanted to soak everything in; the scent of hot apple cider, Mom's chatter, the tinkling of Kari's earrings, Dad's jokes, the assumed nonchalance in Ian's voice as he handed Kari what turned out to be a large box of chocolates. Finally everyone turned to me. I slipped my finger under the paper slowly, trying to guess what was in the box. Slowly I pulled out a velvet box and opened it. Kari held her breath next to me. My fingers explored the chain of a delicate necklace, trying to find the pendant. I fingered the strange be-jeweled shape, trying to make it out. Kari's fingers joined mine and she lay the pendant flat in her palm for me to feel.

“It's a pair of glasses, Jae,” she said quietly. I felt the shape again, yes, there were the tiny diamond lenses and the smooth frame. I squeezed Kari's hand in silence.

Later Kari found me alone, on the couch.

“Can I sit with you?” she asked.

“Please?” I asked in return. She settled onto the cushion next to me. Rusty moved off of my feet to avoid endangering his tail. Both of us were quiet for a few minutes. There was a peace that stemmed from the crackling fire in front of us and the warmth it provided that there was little need for words. I heard Kari heave a sigh.

“You know, Jae?” she asked softly. “I'm trying to find things to be grateful for. Not just things in general, but things about blindness that...give me an advantage.” I took a deep breath,

“Yeah...I'm starting to realize the same things also, thanks to you though.”

“But I find myself mentally complaining all the time about the things I can't see. Do you do that often Jae?” I could feel Kari's almost-childlike weakness. Beneath her question I could hear her cry for help. She was begging me to understand her, to prove that she hadn't really lost anything but physical sight.

“Kari, I've done that non-stop for sixteen years. Then I met you. You taught me that sight doesn't come and go with your eyes; you taught me that it is easier to see something if you're not hindered with vision,” I faltered slightly. “Now I guess it's up to me to teach you how to use your real eyes.”

“Jae?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“It's still hard. Sometimes I think I can never...”

“Be perfectly happy again,” I finished for her.

“But you can, Kari. I know from experience.” I remembered the past week, wishing Kari would call me, and trying to be joyful for her sake. Kari shifted slightly.

“Is that Ian, coming down the hall?” she asked.

“Yes...” I trailed off as he came into the living room.

“Kari! Oh, Jae. Am I interrupting something?” Ian sounded almost nervous. I smothered a grin.

“Not any more,” I replied.

“I was just wondering if Kari wanted to go for a walk in the park.” Kari stood up.

“Sure, I'd love to.” Kari sounded as nervous as Ian. I ducked my head into the soft leather couch.

“Enjoy!” I murmured to Kari.

I passed the time brushing Rusty and fingering my new necklace. When more than an hour passed I found a book in braille that Ian had given me. The title was Giver Girl and a friend had recommended it. Finally the front door slammed and Ian and Kari's voices carried down the hall to my position on the couch.

“Jae's probably in bed,” he said quietly. Kari murmured something and for a moment there was a suspicious silence. Then Kari's footsteps went through the kitchen towards my bedroom. I hurried to join her.

“Kari,” I said, closing the door behind me.

“Jae? What?” Kari's voice twinkled.

“You tell me,” I responded, settling onto the cot I used during Kari's visit. Kari said nothing and felt her way to the cot. She sat next to me and found my hand.

“Here,” she said, putting her left hand in mine. I gasped when my fingers felt a smooth band interrupted by a gem.

“Kari!” I threw my arms around her and we held each other for a long moment.

“Jae, you were right. It's possible to be perfectly happy. I am.” I laughed out loud.

“I know Kari, I am too. And guess what else? I can see you smiling”